The size of your television won't get you into heaven

To say that Obadiah Preston was peeved would be an understatement. To understand the extent to which this was so, let us put it into context.

Obadiah Preston was a good man: perfect, upright and all that. So much so that Job himself would have been proud of him; and had they lived at the same time, they probably would have eschewed evil together. As fate would have it though, Obadiah was born in the year of our Lord 1971 to god-fearing and austere parents, who instilled in him from an early age on a sense of thrift and frugality.

At seventeen, he left his family and studied to become a pastor. At only twenty-six, he became a well-loved and established minister in his community. He married an equally devout and pious woman and together they raised three dutiful children.

When Obadiah Preston suddenly contracted a serious illness and died at the young age of thirty-eight, there was no doubt in his mind and that of his family that he would enter into the joy of the Lord as one of his faithful servants.

He had no concrete expectations for the moments following his death and up until he rested in paradise. He had always thought of them as a mere formality and would let himself be surprised. He had nothing to fear. After all, had he not been one of the elect?

Still, when he was seated in a large classroom and put in front of an exam, he was puzzled. He had not anticipated such a worldly form of evaluation and had hoped instead to rely on the justice of God. He put his mind to the task nevertheless and was the first to finish. He felt confident that he had done well. Very well, in fact.

He had answered all questions related to the contents of the Scriptures, even the one asking him to name all books in the Bible in order. Questions pertaining to the interpretation of the book of Revelation had taken him no more than a few moments and he had finished with the question about the size of the largest television he had owned. He was particularly proud of that last one, the answer being a ridiculously small fifteen inches. In an age where televisions were the size of entire walls, that was quite an accomplishment; and just for good measure, he added a small note next to his answer. In this note he wrote that the television had only served for spiritual and uplifting videos.

After the exam was finished, the results came surprisingly quickly. He supposed that was due to the obvious ease with which he handled the exam and opened the letter nonchalantly. As he perused the contents of the letter however, two things struck him. The first one was that he had failed the exam; the second was the brevity of the explanation.

The letter informed him that he, Obadiah Preston, had failed the exam due to the meager size of his television and that at fifteen inches, he unfortunately did not qualify for a second chance.

Obadiah Preston was decidedly peeved, and understandably so. Abraham's bosom had been denied him on account of his undersized television.